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Recent Entries Early June in Philadelphia Posted: June 4, 2010
My friend and assistant Marcy reminded me yesterday that I haven't updated "Check in with Bar" for over a month, and it didn't surprise me. I'm getting old enough that many things are forgotten or overlooked these days. The truth is, I think about writing here all of the time. What a luxury to have an outlet to jot down my thoughts, put them out to the world and see what comes back in terms of conversation with others who are interested enough to read here. Thank you (whether you respond or not!)
I'm in Philadelphia with my family this weekend celebrating my niece's marriage tomorrow night. On my drive down here from upstate New York, I thought about marriage quite a lot in preparation for speaking at their rehearsal dinner tonight. First of all, I'm touched and honored to have been asked to speak, but what do I say? Mostly I want to reflect on Catherine and my love for her. This is what I know and feel the most clearly, so that's what I'll talk about. A friend suggested that I take inspiration from a collection of quotes that I have. I will do that later today and see what draws me in. But driving last night, I debated the virtues and difficulties of marriage. I'm a big fan of marriage. The decision to embark on a journey with another person is a powerful one and demands a certain maturity, I think, for the partnership to be successful. As I hit middle-age, with all of the changes that naturally occur at this time, I wonder if marriage to one person is really possible for most of us over the course of our longer life times. Every so often, I meet an elderly couple that clearly connects on a deep and loving, still thriving level. Both are growing, both are dynamic and lit up with life's energy. However, mostly I see couples who are toughing it out; staying put even though their hearts are not full. It makes me wonder if we shouldn't be re-thinking our definition of what marriage is.
Recently I visited with a friend who has newly begun a second marriage. She and her new partner are clearly much more happy than either were in their previous relationships. It doesn't mean that their other life is not important or that they need to forget it or that one marriage is better than the other. What it suggested to me was that their first marriages were simply over. No judgment, just an observation of fact. Both my friend and her husband were ready (as were there ex's) to go in a new direction. And so, after much sadness, painful soul searching and the growth that comes from leaving things behind, she and her new husband are living the fuller, happier, calmer lives that many people who are married for a second or third time feel. This tells me that perhaps our notion of one partner for an entire life may in fact be an outdated, even harmful institution for our population. Wouldn't it be more honest and kind to acknowledge that marriages do end and that there is nothing wrong with that except for the judgment that we all put on ourselves and people we know who end our relationships? Couldn't we be more forgiving and realistic about what is true in our culture?
All of these thoughts come from my own recent separation. My husband Peter and I are lucky enough to be close friends who have always been honest and transparent with one another. Our separation is difficult, but is the right thing for both of us at this time. That doesn't take away the grief or the fear, but it does make it a little easier. I'm grateful that neither of us is furious with the other. Could there be a time when many more of us who separate could do it without the anger and destruction that so many marriages end with?
Tomorrow, my niece and her fiance will join and I rejoice with them. They have written their own vows and have thought long and hard about what it is they are hoping for in their married life. I celebrate their incredible choice with them. My sense is that they will be one of those lucky elderly couples who continue to walk hand in hand when they are 85-years old, and that is an inspiration to me.
With love and gratitude for all of you, Bar
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